October 2023

 

If you read my message last month, you may remember that I was celebrating three women who had crossed my path. Each had achieved celebrated success but spoke with rare vulnerability and candor about their mistakes, failures, regrets, and the emotional impact life’s hard lessons had on them. I was inspired by their ability to accept their imperfections and failures, integrating them into their narrative and sharing that narrative with the world.

But after I published that blog, I realized that “baring it all” was a big ask, and I’m all about “The Parlay Effect” – small, iterative steps that lead us to become more connected with ourselves, with our communities, and with the greater world.

So while last time I sang the song of “Her” with a capital H, this time I’m itERating.

I’m focusing on the power of “er.”

The power of “er” means trying harder rather than doing it all. Being firmer about expectations and needs. Finding a bigger platform to share truths. Going farther in honest conversations than we’ve dared to go before.

Yep. Emotional evolution is tough.

It is similar to getting back into an exercise routine after months (or years) of being sedentary. Getting back into “it,” whether it’s openness or an elevated heart rate, has to be done in stages, because stretching is hard.

To keep from pulling a muscle (either physical or emotional), it’s good to warm up with small steps.

One block farther. One conversation truer.

Adding “er” at the end of certain words means doing more.

When I’m getting back into shape, I have to accept that the feeling of becoming winded or the soreness that comes from pushing muscles to a new level of strength or flexibility includes a little pain. The pain of growth.

Spoiler alert: there’s pain in the emotional stretching, too. Whether I’m offering an apology or worse for me, expressing a need (when I feel undeserving), I have to mentally rehearse so that I’m prepared for the tears that may come and the pain that so often throbs in my chest when facing these difficult but important conversations.

I visualize the opening, the first words, and the phrasing that will allow me to be heard. And I anticipate that if this is an honest and vulnerable conversation, I’ll need to be a better listener, receiver and owner of what comes back to me from the other person. What comes back might sting, but I will be better for it.

Once I start with the gentle pushing of self – to stretch, to share, to receive and process – another level of “er” emerges.

It’s the “er” of being deeply engaged in life.

Add “er” to play and you get player – someone who is actually in the game. Add “er” to open and you get an opener – someone who is willing to take the lead, begin, get started, be the first.

Adding “er” to verbs raises the stakes. It means participation. It means commitment.

So while my “baring it all” missive last month was about being open to the fullest, I think that fuller rather than fullest might be the right way to get there.

It’s the growth and development that lets skiers start on the green circles before progressing to the blue squares and finally to the black or double black diamonds. It’s why dancers need years in ballet shoes before getting ready for pointe, and why writers begin with essays (or even private journals) before expanding their work to a chapter or even a book. It’s why we have interns and residents and assistant coaches.

The “er” is how we gain momentum to get to the stage where bearing it all is the easy and logical step from tiny, life-long moments of becoming our fullest selves.

* * *

Is there an “er” that feels like a good step for you? Whether it’s a physical step, a moment of self-reflection or a chance to connect more deeply with another person, push for the “er” to get one step closer to where you are now. And if you are ready to step up to the plate, add the “er” to your verb and get truly into the game.

Share it Small: Use today to have one conversation that gently stretches you to a new place that feels like a safe stretch, and see how you feel about having a conversation, asking a question, or telling a truth that begins an important growth conversation for you.

Share it Big: Ready to get into the game? Take some action by raising the stakes and participating, committing, volunteering, experimenting or trying something that you’ve been thinking about but didn’t know how to start. Once you jump in, you’ll adjust to the water and wonder why you hadn’t gotten in earlier.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your power.