August 2023

 

When you were a kid, did you ever play the telephone game?

Everyone would sit in a circle, and the “caller” would whisper a word or phrase into the ear of the child sitting to the right of them. No repeats allowed… each listener would turn to the next kid and whisper what they had heard. The chain continued until the phrase passed around the circle to every child, and the final listener said the original phrase out loud.

The final phrases were almost never the same as where it started.

  • “My dog’s name is Stella” became “two frogs smelling.”
  • “I’m ready for recess” became “You’re a big mess.”
  • “Bread and Jam for Francis” turned into “I have to pee and dance.”

Funny changes in meaning, but very far from the original ideas.

Sometimes, it was an intentional whisper that left room for interpretation. Sometimes, it was a devilish prankster who intended to flip the phrase.

Oftentimes, tone and meaning were diluted or diverted in the retelling.

Whatever the reason, having as many as twenty different listeners, interpreters, and voices meant that the messengers altered the message over time.

We live in an age of important messages and an overabundance of messengers.

I’ve thought about “telephone” a lot lately because I’ve noticed how people who are just one or steps removed from an original conversation can get both the message and the intent completely wrong.

Even one extra person passing on a message means there’s the likelihood of a gap between what is said and what is heard.

When we speak for someone else, often, we can’t help but insert our own interpretation, preference, or need into the exchange, thereby bending the original meaning.

Being one step removed from the conversation as a listener opens the door to misunderstanding, hurt feelings, disappointment, judgment, isolation, and more.

This problem is real – in families, among friends, and within communities. And this problem is multiplied for people in power and as well as for people in the spotlight.

  • Leaders surround themselves with staff to be kept on time, adhere to schedules, sift through requests, and be protected from assaults and distractions.
  • Corporate executives speak with their senior teams, and that next tier is empowered to pass along portions of the information (or none at all). Every sifting, reframing and retelling opens the possibility for the message to be conveyed and received differently.
  • Physicians want to heal patients but are often prevented from discussing optimal solutions because insurance companies insert themselves into the treatment guidelines and change/limit the course of care.
  • Politicians shielded by staff miss moments to hear the feelings, needs and reactions of the people they intend to serve.

In all of these cases, games of telephone (as experienced through intermediaries, assistants and staff) push us further and further apart from each other.

Further from love, understanding, empathy and care.

This month’s missive is to think about the conversations you are having directly and those you aren’t.

Where is there room for misunderstanding? Where is there room for connection? When might you have opportunities to speak directly, listen intently and get to a deeper level of communication?

There are so many ways to connect. Pass it on.

* * *

Have you been part of a crazy chain of misunderstanding?

Share it Small: Own the fact that you heard it wrong, received it wrong, or should have spoken directly to the people you were trying to reach. Chances are, they’ll have a more direct conversation as the result of the example you’re setting!

Share it Big: Make direct conversation an integral part of your day-to-day life, and tell people around you that you’re doing it. Who knows what you’ll learn when you speak one-on-one and listen intently?

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your power.