December 2023

 

I love being bi-coastal.

The intensity of New York City is the perfect place to live a fast-paced, culture-rich life, and the earthiness of Northern California gives me space to slow down, step back, observe and think.

In both of those places, I’ve built meaningful friendships that include people surprising me by dropping by to visit.

I make sure that I’m well-stocked to welcome them with tea and snacks, as well as an eager ear for listening and a loving hug ready to go to whoever needs it.

I also prepare physically, tidying up our apartment/house, not only because I like things to be neat but also because I worry what people will think about me if my home looks like a bomb went off.

Our homes are telltale signs of who we are.

My husband (who really doesn’t notice whether things are neat and tidy) is probably tired of the way I neaten his papers into piles and relocate his charging cords away from the kitchen counter.

But I can’t help myself: I notice every detail.

I’ve been a neatnik since early adulthood when I realized that people frequently judge each other by external factors before getting to know them on a deeper level. It might stem from some underlying insecurity: being well-dressed, highly organized and consistently clean is my signal to visitors that I have my act together, am in control of my days, and possess clarity about who I am.

The truth, though, is that some days I have my act together, and other days, despite the shining countertop, I’m barely treading water.

Recently, when San Francisco prepared to host the Asian Pacific Economic Conference (APEC) I realized that cities spend a lot of time and money to be perceived in the best possible light as well.

The conference brought big-time visitors to the Bay. President Biden and President Xi. Dignitaries, journalists and staff members came from around the world.

Leading up to the event, San Francisco scrambled to look its best.

Contractors hustled to clean up the streets. The city moved homeless people into shelters. A giant Ferris Wheel was relocated to the waterfront for an optimal view of the Golden Gate Bridge. Officials issued warnings about traffic, eased the gridlock, and increased police presence to provide enhanced service and protection.

The city transformed itself into the way it wanted to be seen.

But as soon as the dignitaries left, everything returned to its normal state.

Homeless and mentally ill people came back out, still needing services and support. The streets became littered again, not only with the garbage of day-to-day living but with the syringes that prove that what APEC saw was not the full story of who we are. Traffic snarled. The Ferris wheel remains in its new location, but otherwise, we were back where we started.

To be honest, I was judgmental and annoyed at the city.

I wondered how San Francisco could justify addressing its problems in the short term by hiding them and then abandon the improvements once the dignitaries had departed.

My “benefit of the doubt” analysis was that the city was doing its neatnik thing too, making the environment nice enough to welcome guests and create a safe space for deeper and meaningful connections.

But my “doubt the benefit” analysis wasn’t so kind. Cleaning up for guests but ignoring neighbors, taxpayers, community members and committed residents made us feel less important than the visitors. Less worthy. Less seen. Less important than the guests.

Shouldn’t our primary focus be to lift those we know the most deeply?

Let’s roll out the red carpet for those we know and love instead of rolling it out so that people will love us.

We’ll begin with our inner circles – the people who should matter most but are often taken for granted—family, friends and neighbors.

After they know how much we value them, we’ll extend our welcome to incorporate those we’re just beginning to know with the objective of creating lasting depth rather than temporary sparkle.

Let them see us in our proverbial underwear when we’re less coiffed, undusted or bare-faced.

The only way we come together to solve the big problems is by showing love and forming bonds in hundreds of small ways that make each of us feel connected to the larger whole for whom we all are responsible.

Share them Small: Take the time to do something special for someone you might have taken for granted. It might be pulling out the good china, sharing a secret recipe or sitting in the living room instead of in front of the TV. Anything that says, “I want you to feel special.”

Share them Big: Show your hot mess as well as your sparkle. All of us have imperfect and discombobulated days. Make yourself more relatable and make other people feel less alone in their imperfect moments by living yours out loud.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your power.