Author: Parlay House

May 2022

 

When I was 17 years old, a senior at Lakeside High School in Seattle, I took a philosophy course taught by an epic professor, Jim Wichterman. We spent weeks developing an understanding of the ideas brought to life by great thinkers like Kant, Descartes and Mill. We debated the possibility of living life based on “doing the greatest good,” “whether agape love was truly attainable,” and trying to carve out our place in the world.

Whenever we thought we’d mastered the ideas of a philosopher or come to a conclusion about a social dilemma, he’d throw a wrench into our thinking, sending us back to reconsider (just as the philosophers had done with each other). It was a fantastic way to learn.

As we hurled closer to graduation, he had us write (and rewrite) our own Magnum Opus.

Our “Great Life’s Work”

In our youthful attempts to hone our beliefs, dissect our hierarchy of needs, refine our values and anticipate our decisions, we’d draft our essays and then share our naked assertions with another classmate for critique. I still remember my friend Peter Golding worrying about the risks I was taking with the complete vulnerability of my confessions. He cautioned me that others would take advantage of me for exposing my feelings so openly and he questioned my “assumptions about mankind” (we used such terminology then). He had a hard time accepting my belief that humans are inherently good.

When I left for college a few months later, I planned to study philosophy and delve into this world of thoughts, ideas and values.

But once there, the practical imperative of finding a career path and paying the rent got the better of me, and instead of philosophy, I majored in political science and economics.

I got caught up in the “musts” and “shoulds” and the bread and butter of the business world.

* * *

Of course, as my business career evolved and I worked my way up the corporate ladder, there were moments when I could hear professor Wichterman whispering in my ear, asking whether I was living my values. Like the time a senior person on a business pitch “accidentally” took the computer cable from the presentation room when we finished, leaving our competitors without access to AV. Or the time someone left a fake “strategy paper” in hopes of distracting the next team about an irrelevant issue. Winning by bending a moral code sickened me, but I didn’t leave the industry for a myriad of reasons including the need to support my family.

When a personal illness forced me to take time off during a moment when the company needed me most, I found myself at the mercy (or lack thereof) of the very business that I had loyally served. They fired me. Sick and without a job, my thoughts returned to the conversations we’d had in Wichterman’s classroom.

I was contemplating the same questions he’d first posed to me in 1984.

What was my personal hierarchy of needs now and how did I align those needs with my core values?

After a 25 year career in an industry where transactions trumped trust and relationships were only as real as the short-term opportunities they presented, I found myself back at the place I’d begun:

• Yearning for intimate relationships where I could be my authentic self
• Pining for discussions about raw ideas, deep values and transformational experiences
• Searching for satisfaction measured by what touched my heart rather than just my wallet

I realized that at 50 years old, the essence of me was the same as it was when I was 17.

Fortunately, this was a moment when I could act on those desires. I did it not only by founding Parlay House where those intimate, vulnerable and authentic conversations could take place, but also by gathering a group of friends who I could trust with my openness and my sensitive heart. I traded the days of transacting into days for interacting.

I finally felt like me.

Wasn’t it T.S. Eliot who wrote, “We shall not cease from exploration and in the end of our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time”?

I studied that in high school too, but it’s only now that I’m truly understanding what it’s all about.

* * *

Have you had revelations that might bring you closer to the person you are, deep in your core?

Share it Small: If you haven’t been able to align who you are, what you value and how you go about your life, now is a perfect time to keep track of that. Even if you can’t make a huge career shift as I did, keeping track of what you want less of and more of is a gift of exploration that will keep on giving.

Share it Big: Do you have an unmet aspiration that will get you closer to living your most actualized life? Put it out there! The more clarity you have and the more you can verbalize what you’re seeking, the more likely it will become true.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.

April 2022

 

Let me set the scene

Two middle-aged people are set up on a blind date. She’s a busy advertising executive and he’s a businessman in town for a bunch of meetings. They block out 30 minutes to grab a cup of coffee and he’s 10 minutes late. One quick cappuccino later, she heads for the door, rushing back to the office to get to a meeting about raising money for underprivileged children in Uganda. He tries to match pace with her stiletto sprint, and at the end of their four-block race, he says, “My philosophy about donating money is that there are thousands of really good causes, but I look at the people leading the way and put my money in the people rather than the causes. I always bet on the people. You impress me and I’d like to make a donation.”

Best pick up line ever

That was my first date with David, who went on to become the love of my life.

Now you might think this blog is going to go on to dish about the best and worst first dates, crazy pick-up lines and the shocking truths about the dating world, but I’ll save those topics for more intimate audiences.

* * *

Today I want to talk about who we support.

David did double supportive duty on that date, making me feel valued, and making a grant to an organization that I cared deeply about at the same time. He’d also be the first to admit that there was a bit of self-interest in his support of me and our organization – it certainly sealed the deal for a second date!

But given the number of worthy causes, his commitment to strong leaders got me thinking about who gives and why.

How do you decide where to put your time, energy, money and heart?

The last few years have proven to all of us that our intimate connections matter most. Family, friends, people who share our values and people whom we can trust with our hearts are centerfold.

Beyond that, many of us have been digging into issues and causes that matter to us, hoping to move the needle in some way. The challenge is that there are so many important causes, so many opportunities to make progress, so many issues to cover, freedoms to protect and values to uphold, it’s hard to know where to start.

In all of the conversations I’ve been having lately, I’ve been listening to people’s choices about how to move the needle forward in ways that matter to them.

* * *

Focus on Impact

We interviewed Sam Bankman-Fried on the Bring a Friend Podcast last week, and we learned that he thinks about issues and causes in terms of where he can do the greatest good. His utilitarian philosophy for giving is that the issue or cause is less important than the potential to have a positive outcome. His is a quantitative and calculated approach about impact. In fact, he describes himself as an effective altruist, working nearly 24/7 to make as much money as he can so that he can give it away in areas where lasting solutions can happen.

Focus on Personal Connection

Another one of our past guests, Shabana Basij-Rasikh grew up in Afghanistan under Taliban rule and is on a life-long quest to nurture and educate Afghani women. As someone who was escorted to secret underground schools taught by brave women who were willing to risk their lives to educate the next generation of women, her philosophy about giving has been to make it her life’s work. SOLA (School of Leadership Afghanistan) is as personal as it gets, and over the past few months she has bravely rescued her students, teachers, administrators and their families as the Taliban regained power, creating a new home base for learning and keeping them safely sheltered in another country.

Focus on Issues

A third guest, Nicholas Sensley, grew up in one of New Orleans’ most challenged neighborhoods and experienced his fair share of violence and racism from the police force there. But he was unwilling to accept the divide between law enforcement and citizens, and followed a career in the police force himself. Prompted by the death of George Floyd, he parlayed his expertise into the Institute for American Police Reform. He founded it to create appreciation and respect on both sides of the law enforcement divide. His is an issues-based approach.

Trust in leaders.
Confidence about outcomes.
Connection to personal stories.
Upholding social values.

Many of us choose different ways to provide support

It doesn’t matter where you start – issues, outcomes or personal – just start. You’ll be moving the needle about something that makes the world a bit better – and you never know when it will come with added benefits.

Can you imagine the impact if all 10,000 people receiving this blog do one small something to lift others? It could be huge.

* * *

Don’t keep your actions to yourself!

Share it Small: The research we did for The Parlay Effect showed that there’s an exponential impact when something kind or generous is witnessed by others because people replicate what they see. So even your smallest action will trigger a ripple effect of good.

Share it Big: Create a challenge of your own! Maybe forward this email to five friends who also can have impact. Whether they join you for a cause, contribute to have greater impact or are inspired by the leaders who inspire you, you’re building momentum that feels good and does good too.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.

March 2022

 

I think of myself as being born in the spring, because I remember birthdays in Seattle when the crocuses pushed themselves out of the earth, the cherry trees burst into bloom, and the camellias blossomed in pink and in white all along Cascadia Avenue.

But my mother reminds me that on the second day of March in 1962, we barely made it to the hospital for my birth because the fresh snowfall made the hills nearly impassable.

She remembers winter and I remember spring.

If you’re an East-coaster, you may be thinking that March is not just winter, but the dregs of winter, with everyone completely exasperated by the cold wind and dirty snow. In March, hints of warmth (and hope) are frequently doused by the next surprise storm.

All of these perceptions are true, of course. The crocuses push through the snow, and even through the dirty dregs. The calendar says “still winter” but the trees say “becoming spring.”

Which leads me to talk about how we frame things.

I think of myself as a spring kind of person.

Spring because it’s proof of life under the quiet earth. Spring because it’s ripe with possibilities even if the fruit is not yet harvestable. Spring because it allows us to imagine and anticipate the rebirth of our surroundings.

* * *

This birthday, my husband rallied a few of my closest friends to celebrate 60 years of spring, 60 years of life, 60 trips around the sun.

Sitting with the people I love to the depth of my heart, I noted how different this milestone was from my birthday ten years ago when I built Parlay House. That was a time when I was coming out of one of the darkest life moments – a painful collision of illness, job loss and an empty nest. I was in a sad and desperate place, seeking to trade out extractive relationships for fresh, deep and meaningful ones. My spring of 50 planted “idea seeds” for growing deep roots and strong limbs as I replanted myself in San Francisco.

But at 60, I was celebrating with spring in my step. Surrounded by loved ones, many of whom were the flowers of my 50-year-old farming, I felt rejuvenated. While my 50th birthday was a time to ask, “What do I want to grow?” at 60, I was able to nurture and reap the harvest.

The time with my circle and the chance to see them grow to love each other was glorious. And while each friend lavished me with a thoughtful gift gathered based on truly knowing and seeing me, the best was a box of letters they had elicited from other people in my life that I care deeply about.

Letters came from childhood friends and college classmates. They came from family, both inherited and chosen. They came from people I admire deeply and mentors who helped me along the way. A few even came from former colleagues whose relationship with me transcended the transactional and competitive underbelly of work.

The messages were as varied as the writers.

Some were poems, song lyrics or shared memories. Some noted that the girl I was when we first met was the obvious precursor to who I am now. Some expressed the hope that we would grow to know each other even more deeply and fully over time.

Of course these letters were an ego boost and made me feel connected, loved and grounded.

They were also proof that having a vision of what you want, stating that desire out loud, and working towards it can fertilize your getting there.

* * *

I’m happy to say that at 60, I am not in a personal place of darkness and feel propped up by the people with whom I’m deeply connected. It feels wonderful to have that strength and support.

But I also recognize that while I’ve emerged from my own battle, I have spring in my step while others are huddled in darkness and fear. That truth is very hard to reconcile.

The promise of spring and the chill of winter’s depth exist at the same time.

So while my vision for the last decade was to create personal intimacy and connection, I’m committing to making this decade a time to extend light and a sense of belonging on a broader level, drawing in those who are currently in the darkness. When I was in my own darkness, this is what I would have wanted.

So I’m putting it out there; planting those seeds.

I want to have conversations that draw in those who are hurting and those who are misunderstood. I want to give them a place to speak and be heard, to listen and feel connected. Whether it’s the darkness of war, the depth of exclusion, the pain of prejudice or the personal hell of depression and isolation, I want to help strangers realize they have a place to be propped up too.

I’ll do it by amplifying stories that wouldn’t otherwise be shared. I’ll do it by welcoming strangers into my home, whether it’s literally or figuratively. I’ll do it by sharing resources of whatever kind is needed.

This is my 60’s, flower child, positive interpretation of all that is possible. It’s my journey.

But since I’m reaching you, I hope it’ll spark something in you as well. Maybe it’s that you see that you are in a good place and you’ll celebrate that moment and maybe even pass on a bit of the sunlight. Maybe it’s that you are in a darkness, but are willing to let someone else know where you are so that you are not alone in that suffering. Maybe you have something to share and just need to figure out how to direct it.

Whatever that spark is, I hope you’ll water it and see what grows.

* * *

Share it Small: Parlay House isn’t the only way to be inclusive beyond your circle. Someone you know is in the depths of something right now, and by asking the right questions, you’ll find them. When you do, all you need to do is find ways to let them in so that you can share your spring.

Share it Big: There are thousands of grassroots organizations doing amazing work. Whether they are providing humanitarian relief, mental health advocacy, educational support or social justice activism, supporting their efforts will channel resources where they are most needed.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.

February 2022

Where do you get your information and stimulation these days? Who do you talk to, what do you read, where do you scroll, when do you listen and how do you follow events? Beyond that, who do you block, unfollow, cancel or tune out?

Now, more than ever, our content shapes what we know (or think we know) how we feel, and the assumptions we make about other people.

It’s a weird self-fulfilling cycle – we’re most comfortable hearing information and perspectives that validate our thoughts, so we only listen to those sources and talk to those people. We unfollow anything that hits us wrong. We steer clear of anyone who annoys us. The safer we are, the more it seems that anyone who feels and thinks differently is a threat.

That door swings both ways, too. God forbid we’re “caught” listening to a news source with an alternative POV or having a conversation with someone who is “on the other side” of our norms. In the current state of polarization, when we stray out of our lane, we risk being judged, ridiculed or even canceled.

So here’s what I want to know: Are you content with your content?

* * *

This was a conversation that hit at the heart of the Parlay House team as we met last week to talk about what we’re putting out into the world. After all, we host virtual events multiple times each month, live events in twelve cities around the world, a weekly podcast called Bring a Friend, our recurring Weekend Lift newsletter and my monthly notes like this one. We’re responsible for creating and curating a lot of content and stimulating a lot of conversation.

Are we too liberal or too cautious? Over-sensitive or insensitive? Inclusive or exclusionary?

When we stopped to ask ourselves how we could bring even more relevance and diversity of thought into our conversations, we found that despite our intention to be broad and inclusive, we didn’t know where to start!

When we stick to people, subjects and resources that only confirm our beliefs, we don’t know what we don’t know.

Yes, asking people to stretch outside of their comfort zones is risky.

As the Founder and leader of an organization that was created to foster authentic conversations that feel both meaningful and safe for everyone, I walk a fine line.

But it’s in those stretches beyond the familiar that we have the possibility of finding commonalities and building a sense of belonging – even when we may not see the world the same way.

As Arielle often says, “We can love each other even when we don’t always like each other.”

From what I can tell, the Parlay House team isn’t alone in walking the tightrope between “neutral and inflammatory”. Whether it’s related to politics, religion, social behavior, relationships and more, we’ve all got to get a bit more comfortable with the uncomfortable. Flirt with the unfamiliar. Taste the forbidden fruit. By stepping into the unfamiliar, we hope to come out the other side with broadened perspectives about other people’s experiences that shaped their different but important lives, views and values.

* * *

So this newsletter includes an ask. Can you burst our bubble?

We‘d love for you to let us know about a perspective that is being missed, give us context for a POV that is not mainstream, or provide background that might help people who are different from you understand you a bit better.

Share it Small: Tell us something that’s important to you that we might be missing. Tell us something that you are feeling but not saying because it isn’t PC. Tell us about something you want to talk about but don’t want to get slammed for. We’ll try to pick up the conversation on your behalf.

Share it Big: What are the conversations we aren’t hearing on a community or even a national level? If the mainstream media isn’t calling it out, we probably don’t know about it either. Open those doors for us so we can dig deeper and figure out how to broaden those conversations too. If we don’t know, we can’t grow. Thanks for helping change that.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.

June 2021

 

In January, I wrote about the aspiration of a cyst on my spine which relieved my back pain and lifted a huge weight off of me. I described the results as a Benjamin Button moment where I became instantly younger, livelier, and freer than I could have imagined. I felt both literal and figurative transformation and was poised to reclaim my spry self.

It turns out I spoke too soon.

The procedure was only a mirage of a miracle, relief dissipating in just one short month. The persistent cyst quickly re-filled with fluid, and as I entered the month of March I also re-entered the hospital to have it drained again. “Second time’s a charm,” I told myself, waiting to welcome back that rush of youth.

The second time was not a charm.

For whatever reason, the sedation didn’t knock me out and I ended up having the procedure while being awake and aware of all that was happening. It was hell.

To add insult to injury, that second procedure gave me almost no relief at all.

March fell heavily into April and instead of feeling the much-anticipated spring in my step, I found myself sinking back into the dark disability, frustration building and the pain so omnipresent that it cast a dull haze over everything. “Give it time,” the doctor said when I talked about my ongoing struggles. “Sometimes it takes a couple of weeks for the full effect of the draining and the cortisone”.

But the weeks slowly passed and the pain went in the wrong direction. So did my perception of self. Forget Benjamin Button – I now felt like the world’s oldest woman. By May, I began a conversation with a spine surgeon who will soon perform full-blown surgery to remove the cysts (it turns out I have more than one), and who will also deal with the underlying structural decay.

Which leads me to what I really want to talk about. I want to talk about losing control.

* * *

Anyone who knows me will vouch for the fact that I’ve never been one to lose control of anything easily. That’s why I’ve never tried hard drugs, I feel no effect from marijuana and I have no desire to do mushrooms or ayahuasca. It’s why I always prefer to be the driver, the planner, the decider and the boss. It’s why I exercise daily and it’s probably part of the reason that the second sedation didn’t work.

I won’t let my body go.

I find letting go exceptionally difficult. Especially now – a time that feels like letting go of my body means I’m letting go of my youth. No amount of exercise, stretching, meditation or surgery will slow the progression of years and the obvious wear and tear on my core. Like everyone else, I’m aging.

I know, I know. Eye roll from those of you who are older or have already come to terms with this fact. Those of you who are younger will probably not relate either. But for me, my body breakdown is in direct conflict with my youthful state of mind and perception of a 30-year-old self.

In fact, my spine is waving the truth in my face: I never really had as much control as I thought.

Of course, I’d prefer to breakdance than to breakdown.

But those aren’t the only choices. By letting go of full control, I’m beginning to discover something new — the beauty of getting out of old patterns, and reframing expectations to create a clean slate for what comes next.

It’s obviously time to make a fresh start. Physical slowing makes room for mental stretches. Less “doing” and more “seeing” is another way to grow. Physically, the control needed for Tai Chi is no less than the control needed for a hundred-meter sprint. There are alternative ways to be strong in the world.

Getting there requires a rebirth of perspective and less rigid forms of measurement.

While I’m not letting go, I’m loosening up. Because in my new, lightened state of control, I’ll have more space for the world to sink in.

* * *

How have you successfully used setbacks to reframe your life?

Share it Small:  We can all learn from each other. If you had to let go of some expectations in order to make room for a new life chapter, tell your loved ones about what you did and how you did it. They are probably working on their own reframing too.

Share it Big:  So many of us think of life as a straight line instead of a series of pivots and re-thinking. If you are taking a turn – in your physical self, in a relationship, a job, or an aspiration… share it out loud! It turns out that every 12-18 months every one of us is in a transition. Sharing yours will be a way to open the dialogue with others doing their own pivoting.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.