Author: Parlay House

May 2019

 

For many people, myself included, the reminder of our own abilities is enough to get us to take a step in a new direction. When I know that someone believes in me, it feels like a vote of confidence. And who doesn’t need that?

On this Mother’s Day weekend, I’m having a flashback (not a hot flash although maybe that too) to my early and formative years where a few nurturing people took the time to help me build self esteem and self worth by ENCOURAGING me.

***

One of the igniters of my potential was my mom – bringing me into this world and helping encourage me until I developed the confidence to believe in myself. But encouragement came from other sources as well – my dad, teachers, sisters, and even strangers.

Encouragement is easy. No money is involved, limited time is required, and you don’t need to be an expert on the topic.

All you need is to see the potential in someone and tell them what you see:

“I believe in you.”
“Give it a try.”
“You did something easier than that last week.”

***

When I was thinking about writing a book, I mentioned it to a new friend, Katie Hafner, a highly acclaimed writer and journalist.

Instead of dismissing me as an amateur (which I am) she gave me encouragement to try. Fast forward: my book is now with an editor and nearing completion. It’s something I’d never done before and if it wasn’t for a few words of encouragement from Katie, I wouldn’t be where I am.

***

What was something you did that you never thought you would be able to do? Who encouraged you to get started?

Here’s what you can do to pass that feeling on, encouraging someone else to take a step that may scare them.

• Tell them you believe in them. Sometimes all we need is one person to tell us we can do something. Maybe you have a friend who wants to move or a colleague with plans to start their own business. Sharing why you think they can do that thing could push them to actually go for it.

• Show them how this step can enhance their life. Take a minute to list out three ways taking a risk could make them feel more confident or open up a new way to see themselves. Then give that list to them.

• Be vulnerable and share a time when you took a chance and it turned out for the better (or worse). Focus on the lessons you learned that you wouldn’t have, had you not taken this step. When we open up about times we took risks, we share how we grew the spark to believe in ourselves. And that inspires others to do the same.

***

Take it from Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

To amplify your actions:

Share it with me: I hope you share how the encouragement of others gave you the confidence to take a new step by replying to this email.

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, connect directly with the friend, family member, or colleague who needs a little encouraging push in the right direction.

Share it big: tell the world on social media how the encouragement of others changed your perspective on listening with #OneSmallThing.

April 2019

I want you to be the first to know… I’m 57 years old and pregnant!

April Fools (a day early), of course.

This holiday always reminds me of the fun pranks my daughters would play on me. Teenage pregnancy was a predominant theme. So was failing an exam or being drunk.

After my heart skipped a beat from their prank, I would laugh along.

Soon I realized my daughters used shock value and humor to get me to listen.

By listening to their jokes, I understood these were some of the things they were thinking of and exposed to — it opened the door to deeper conversations.

***

We don’t need an April Fool’s joke to get us to pay attention if we practice the fine art of listening the rest of the year.

Here’s a crazy thing that happens when you change the cadence of a conversation and intentionally pause: the person you are with often fills in the silence with something else that’s on their mind.

They feed you information that is important, meaningful and even might have been unsaid if there wasn’t space for it.

***

One of the women I love, Brené Brown said:

“One of the most courageous things to say in an uncomfortable conversation is ‘Tell me more.'”

“Exactly when we want to…change the topic…or counter…we also have the opportunity to ask what else we need to know to fully understand the other person’s perspective.

“Help me understand why this is important to you, or help me understand why you don’t agree with a particular idea. And then we have to listen.”

Hear, hear. You can start learning to listen better today:

• Start small: in your next conversation, instead of responding, ask a probing question like, “Tell me more.” Opening up that space will give you a greater understanding of them and gives them an invitation to share with you in a way they might not have before.

• Stop interrupting: For many of us, when we think we know where someone else is going, we stop listening. I know I’m often guilty of this. But when we finish other people’s sentences or ideas, we are often inserting our view and may be wrong in our interpretation. We may miss out on information, insight, or meaningful perspective.

• Find something to laugh about: try an April Fool’s joke tomorrow that evokes a conversation on an uncomfortable topic. If you have a joke played on you, tune in — what may have given them that idea? Laugh, start asking questions, and listen up.

To amplify your actions:

Share it with me: I hope you share how April Fool’s Day gave you a chance to listen to someone (or your inner self) by simply sending me a note.

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, connect directly with the friend, family member, or colleague who is sharing an uncomfortable topic.

Share it big: tell the world on social media how April Fool’s Day changed your perspective on listening with #OneSmallThing.

And P.S. I’m not pregnant.

March 2019

 

When was the last time you felt really seen?

Maybe a colleague complimented your work, a stranger smiled at you, or a friend listened (and really paid attention).

Whatever the situation, it probably felt great to be acknowledged, recognized, supported, and valued.

Since today is International Women’s Day – a day that “sees” women and recognizes our contributions – it’s time to reflect. 

***

For many of us, not being seen can make us feel unimportant and excluded. It makes us feel like the “other”. This is true for gender, as well as race, religion, geography, wealth, size, and so many other differentiators.

I’ve felt like an “other” many times. 

• In a board meeting years ago, the Chairman could remember the names of all the men in the room, but interchanged the names of me and the only other woman as though we were the same. 

• As one of the few moms in our suburban neighborhood who worked full time, I felt constantly judged and excluded by the moms who had time to connect with each other during the day.

• As a kid, my friend’s mom noted that I might not be allowed to go to their club because I was Jewish.

Most of us have felt judged as being lesser-than at some point in our lives. Sometimes on a daily basis. Judged by differences and excluded by preconceived assumptions.

So can I make a suggestion? Let’s use these international days of recognition as cues to actually see people who might be different than we are. 

This isn’t so much about finding similarities but rather taking time to think about what makes us the same, accept the ways we’re different, and value both what we’re born into and the choices we make.

Josephine Baker said, “Surely the day will come when color means nothing more than the skin tone, when religion is seen uniquely as a way to speak one’s soul, when birth places have the weight of a throw of the dice and all [men] are born free, when understanding breeds love and brotherhood.”

I’m sure in this day and age she would have been all about sisterhood too. 

***

On this International Women’s Day, here’s what you can do to make someone who may be different than you be seen by you:

• Instead of looking at your phone as you walk down the street, pick up your head and find a few people to look in the eye, greet them, and smile. Maybe even throw them a compliment or wish them a nice day.

• Think of someone in your life who is different than you. List their unique traits, taking time to really see them rather than assume. Send them a note that says, “You know what I love about you?” and share those traits that make them unique. 

• If you want to take a bigger step, find someone with whom you have had real differences. Start down the path toward connection by seeing them and accepting their right to be different even if you disagree.

Even if it’s small, doing any one of these things can start a positive cascade.

Take another moment to really see someone today, tomorrow…and the day after.

To amplify your actions:

Share it big: tell the world on social media a quote someone said that made you realize how your differences changed your perspective with #OneSmallThing. 

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, connect directly with that stranger on the street, friend, family member, or colleague.

Share it with me: I’m building a collection of these small actions that turn out to have real value and meaning for others. I hope you share how your differences with someone made you connect in a new way by sending me a note.

February 2019

Will you be my Valentine?

***

When I was young, all the kids in my class would craft little Valentine’s notes. Sometimes I’d make a special one for the boy I had a crush on (and practice writing me + him forever). And I’d also write Valentines for my family. 

***

In a way, I was beginning to map out everyone in my life, how they filled me with love and satisfied different needs in my life. 

My best friend Amy was the one I talked about my hopes and dreams. My neighbor Judy was my confidant about things that seemed too intimate to share at school. My sisters were my partners in crime and my parents were my boosters who made me believe I could do anything.

Why did so many of us stop thinking about love in this broad way when we became old enough to date?

We don’t necessarily need to write Valentine’s notes with pink and red construction paper or share our sweetheart candies once a year – in fact, small notes of love on an ongoing basis can deepen relationships and provide important opportunities for expression and connection. 

***

Having spent many years searching to find a few people in my life who could support me on a holistic level, I began to notice that when one dear person fell short on some level, another picked up the slack on that need. 

And as I mapped out all of the areas in my life where I wanted to feel love – it wasn’t just sexual and romantic intimacy I was seeking, but people with whom I could share in the many areas of my life where depth of connection is a different expression of love.  

I realized that none of the core people in my tribe were covering every base. But, as individuals, we were lovingly connected on some of the many areas where our depth of connection make us each feel seen, heard, and loved.

With that, let’s shift our focus today from romantic love into how our circles love us and enrich our lives. Having a few people in our circles who meet different needs and with whom we can feel meaning and closeness can perhaps result in us feeling less alone.

***

Make every day Valentine’s Day with one small action that gives someone else a connection and makes them feel seen. 

Here’s how to start:

• Map out the different needs in your life.
• List your inner circle: friends, family, colleagues. Pull them together to see who fills what emotional need.
• Send them a virtual (or in person, if you can swing it) Valentine’s Day card asking how they are, with no agenda. Try something like: “Hey, I was thinking about you today. I hope you know on Valentine’s Day, and every day, that you enrich my life. How are you doing today and will you be my Valentine?”

Share it big: tell the world who gives you love and what #OneSmallThing(s) they did to make you feel so special by sharing it on social media. 

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, connect directly with friends, family, or colleagues via email/text/phone.

Share it with me: I’m building a collection of these small actions that turn out to have real value and meaning for others. I hope you will share who fills your world with love (and why) by sending me a note.

January 2019

As we shift 2019 into high gear, many of us are in a place of transition. Moving in or out of the workforce. Beginning or ending a relationship. Starting again or choosing to continue in a new way. 

These transitions can sometimes feel like we’re stepping into an uncertain abyss. While it’s a scary time, it’s also a time when our senses are most alert. So I suggest paying great attention to the precarious space between what was and what will be.

 ***

Transitions can make us feel ungrounded and raw. We may be open to being seen and heard, and we may appreciate feeling encouraged and empowered. We may also feel more sensitive to input and criticism too, because you don’t have answers yet. 

I think of these moments of change as sine waves, fluctuating up and down. Whether it’s my health, career, community, family, or anything else, I hold onto the knowledge that while one or two might be hitting a low or in a transition, other aspects of my life are good.

I remind myself that I’ve rebuilt before and will rebuild again.

Taking small actions are especially important in these moments of change. Big answers may be unclear, small actions can help us feel more at peace. I don’t need to tell you about small actions that make transitions easier, because in recent responses to One Small Thing, you have told me!

***

Here are a few examples:

“Thank you for believing in me. I was so nervous when I first came to interview [for my job] and I remember looking at you across the table while I was presenting and seeing your eyes looking into mine and you nodding your head. You held space for me. You made me feel seen and heard and because of that, I felt confident and brave.”

“After moving from a career in finance to being a stay-at-home mom, I no longer felt valued. Your kindness and generosity made me feel seen as who I am not what I do. You made me feel relevant. You have no idea what an impact you have had on me!”

“Just know that you were the first person who ever told me I was special, and you were the person who drilled into me that I could accomplish amazing things in this world. There is absolutely no way I’d be where I am today without you.”

***

By owning your own and others transitions, you’re opening yourself up to the first step in moving through them. Here are three ways to get there:

• Put a pen to paper: if you’re transitioning right now, write down where you’ve been and why you’re in a place of transition. If everything feels stable right now, take a minute to reflect on previous transitions as a way of celebrating the evolution of yourself. It’ll be a great reminder of your ability to move in new directions.
• Identify who supported your times of transition: was it a friend? A mentor? A family member? Maybe it was a stranger. Think about who was there for you when you really needed it. Having clarity will not only trigger gratitude, but it will be a nice prompt about small things that felt meaningful.
• Ask yourself who needs supporting: have you checked in on one of your strong friends lately? Chances are, despite their outward strength, they may be going through a transition too. You can help pull them forward by asking how they are doing and really listening.

Share it big: tell the world who supported you during your transition and what #OneSmallThing(s) they did to encourage you by sharing it on social media. 

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, connect directly with friends, family, or colleagues via email/text/phone.

Share it with me: I’m building a collection of these small actions that turn out to have real value and meaning for others. I hope you will share who helped you and who you helped transition by sending me a note.

December 2018

While tis the season to feel festive, tis the season for exhaustion too.

There’s something about the end of the year that is simultaneously exhilarating and depleting — giving our energy to others feels good, but we can be left with nothing for ourselves.

***

How are you feeling right now? 

Take a second or two to check in with your body.

Are you scrolling on your phone, squinting to read this email? Are you hunched over at a desk? Maybe you’re standing at your kitchen table, trying to get kids out the door.

What if this holiday season you give to others — and give to yourself, too?

What’s a gift that benefits everyone on your list? Self-care.

***

It may sound cheesy — put on the oxygen mask first before putting it on anyone else — but taking care of you is essential to taking care of others.

When I spend all of my time caring for others, I’m left depleted, exhausted, and even on edge. While I seem to be my most generous self, I’m not my best self. I’m easier to trigger, less able to hear, and even disconnected from myself.

Self-care to me means a daily workout and a nightly bath.

What feels like self-care to you? 

A walk around the block for fresh air? A massage? Perhaps it’s staying in bed all day, watching your favorite TV show.

Whatever it may be, take care of you this season.

***

Here are some ways to do it:

• Write yourself a love note: list the small things you love about yourself and keep it nearby so that you can re-read it when you’re feeling blue. 
• Set an intention for the new year that includes how you’ll take care of you. 
• Learn to hear your inner self — the one that senses your feelings and needs. Give that self as much attention as you do for others.

Share it big: tell the world your #OneSmallThing self-care ritual by sharing it on social media. 

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, send it directly to friends, family, or colleagues via email/text/phone.

Share it with me: I’m building a collection of these small actions that turn out to have real value and meaning for others. I hope you will share how you prioritize you by sending me a note.

November 2018

What does it mean to invite someone to your table?

***

Tomorrow, most Americans celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s a non-denominational holiday intended to be inclusive. And for many of us, it is.

But what happens on holidays like this for people who won’t have a seat at the table?

There are so many reasons people may feel alone today. Maybe they live too far from family, or maybe they’re new in town. 

***

I remember when I was going through my divorce from my daughters’ father, I realized I would be spending my first Thanksgiving alone. I hadn’t anticipated the feelings of sadness, loneliness, and loss. 

Post-workout one day, I mentioned my situation to a woman in the locker room as we were getting ready for work. It was funny how our “locker room talk” opened up a shared vulnerability.

To my surprise, without even a pause, she invited me to join her family gathering. That thoughtful acceptance and inclusion created a spark between us, which developed into an unexpected friendship.

***

One of the antonyms of “alone” is “with friends” — how beautiful is that?

***

Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, it’s probably too late to include others at your table. However, here are a few small things you can do to create unexpected and meaningful moments of inclusion in your world:

• Get outside of your bubble: invite someone who isn’t just like you (culture, family, religion, etc.) to your proverbial “table”.  
• Think about times when you were invited to someone’s table and send them a note sharing how meaningful it was to you.
• If you have kids in your life, talk to them about including others who might otherwise not be included at their lunch table or to a play date.

Share it big: tell the world your #OneSmallThing Thanksgiving story by sharing it on social media. 

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, send your story directly to friends, family, or colleagues via email/text/phone.

Share it with me: I’m building a collection of these small actions that turn out to have real value and meaning for others. I hope you will share your stories with me by sending me a note.