Author: Parlay House

October 2018

Happy Halloween! 

Today is a fantastic opportunity to acknowledge not only the costumes worn on this eve (personal favorite: Amelia Earhart), but also the masks we wear in our day-to-day real life.

Cocktail chatter, social media, and real life are disconnected. We talk about career milestones and post photos of our seemingly perfect lives: kids smiling, fancy events, happy partners.

What we don’t talk about are the unattainable struggles to “have it all”. We don’t advertise our long nights at the office. We don’t post about exasperation when the kids have a crisis.  We don’t share our fears and frustrations when our aging bodies let us down, and we don’t publicly mourn the loss of friends whose friendships seem to fade over time.  

I know that when the going got tough for me, I kept my struggles quiet. And that was a mistake. But I’m talking about them now.

When I was diagnosed with cancer for the 4th time, I also: lost my job; became an empty nester as my youngest daughter went off to college; and my boyfriend (now husband) lived all the way across the country. I felt isolated, disconnected and lost. I rarely shared my loneliness and depression with anyone outside my inner circle. 

During this dark period, I realized so many people in my professional life surrounded me because of the mask I wore: the successful, impenetrable, fashion-forward CEO.

But when my job disappeared, many of those people did too. 
 

***

Once I regrouped, I started hosting women at my house to establish connections beyond the “what-do-you-do-for-a-living” question. The goal was to find levels of connection that couldn’t be destroyed by a job change, and to acknowledge that we are so much more than just what we do to earn money.

This transformed into Parlay House, a community that empowers women to meet not network, connect not chit-chat, and be pampered not ignored. I found that I wasn’t the only one struggling with loneliness and a disconnect within myself.

Because I dropped my mask, other women did the same. And today, Parlay House is thriving and expanding because we have created a safe space to be open, to be vulnerable, to share joy and to trust each other.

***

If building more connected relationships sounds good to you, here’s your Halloween One Small Thing to get you started:

Post or share a picture of what’s behind your mask. Photos tend to capture so much more than words.

If your mask is a serious professional, maybe ask a question of your circle as a way of acknowledging that you too have questions about how to move forward.

If your mask is a proud parent, perhaps post a more open description of the challenges of supporting children as they grow.

By opening up the layers of yourself, you tap into awareness of yourself and become a more complex, and perhaps relatable, person for others.

Share it big: tell the world your #OneSmallThing Halloween story by sharing it on social media. 

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, send your story directly to friends, family, or colleagues via email/text/phone.

Share it with me: I’m creating a collection of One Small Thing stories. Simply send me a note to be added.

September 2018

As today is Business Women’s Day, you may be flooded with articles and quotes on the importance of women in business and statistics on the gaps that need filling. These gaps are real.

Instead of looking at the mountains that need moving, let’s use today to focus on small ways we can pull each other forward to make progress.

***

As girls, we’re conditioned to follow the rules, which leads to perfectionism. (Something I’ve struggled with myself.) Following rules too literally can have real consequences in the work world. 

McKinsey found that when women are looking at job applications, oftentimes they only apply to ones where they meet all of the qualifications or ‘rules’. 

***

To keep my own perfectionist tendencies in check, I have created a personal ‘board of advisors’; people I can call on when I’m evaluating an opportunity or next step… or when rules are making me feel stuck.

My ‘board’ helps me figure out how to reframe perfectionism into a quest for growth and help reframe my assumptions about the rules in order to position myself for success. My board helps pull me forward into the next thing.

***

Here are some small ways other women have pulled each other forward:

• In her work as director-counsel and president of the NAACP Legal Defense Fund, Elaine Jones stands up for her tribe by creating a personal community of strength. She describes it as having “a few core friends that you will go the distance for.” 
• Jess Hunt, a serial entrepreneur and advocate for women’s advancement, models healthy work/life practices. She says, “If you employ others, be a leader that truly cares about ‘whole person wellness’. Check in with your staff and don’t send an email after 8 pm — it can wait until tomorrow.” 
• Dress for Success, originally founded by my friend Nancy Lublin, gives women transitioning back into the workforce business clothes donated by other professionals. 

***

You can pull another woman forward right now. Here’s how:
 

Take a minute to think about where you are today. What small actions did others take to help you personally and professionally grow? Maybe it was wise words from a mentor. Or perhaps you identified a woman with potential and supported her professional growth. 
 

Once you’ve chosen that small thing, write it down on a piece of paper and take a picture of it.

Share your story: ping the person who created a big change in your life through that small action. They probably have no idea how their action affected you. Seeing that photo will make them smile.

Share it big: tell the world your #OneSmallThing story by sharing it on social media. Don’t forget to tag that person!

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, send your story directly via email/text/phone.

Share it with me: simply send me a note

August 2018

 

It’s that time of the year: transitioning from Summer into Fall.

Kids going back to school, the frenetic energy of the end of the year…you know the drill.

With this change, the nebulous concept of “success” lingers in the air.

Whether it’s having a successful fundraiser or a skyrocketing sales quarter, this swirling idea of success can feel overwhelming and defeating.

***

When I was working, I always tried to contribute at a level above my “grade” so that a promotion would be something I could easily handle. But when that promotion came, I’d already been doing the work, so it didn’t feel worthy of celebration. 

When I was parenting, each decision was focused on what was right for that child at that moment, not as contributing to my daughter’s overall security, sense of self, or personal foundation. Each decision was just one lego in the stack. 

I figured out a reframe on the idea of success: not something that happens all at once, but instead, something made up of small achievements along the way. With this new perception, I felt momentum, energy, and confidence on a regular basis. 

***

I’m curious, if you were to think of success as small achievements, how would YOU define a successful day? 

Some ideas:

• Receiving an unsolicited “I love you” or hug from your child
• Completing a project in advance of its deadline
• Meeting someone new who might become a real friend
• Making time to get some exercise or re-charge your own batteries

***

Now, let’s help our friends and family reframe success.
    

Share how you celebrate the “small stuff” and pass it on. If you don’t have one, ask your community what they do to thrive.

Share it big: post your story on social media
Share it small: text a friend whose success, however small, you admire
Share it with me: simply send me a note

July 2018

 

Your responses to these “One Small Thing” notes have been deeply moving. People have written to me (as well as to important people in their lives) about how small actions greatly improved their sense of self.

One moving trend seems to be an increased willingness to be vulnerable, authentic and open about personal challenges, including mental illness.

That is a subject near and dear to my heart.

With that, I wanted to share a couple examples of how reframing mental illness into mental acceptance can begin to reduce stigma, and how sharing your challenges can open up other people to share theirs as well.

Together, we’re taking small actions to dissolve the embarrassment and shame that so often goes with challenges that so many of us face at some point in our lives.

***

A month ago, I hosted a Parlay House on the topic “Behind the Curtain of Success” which discussed mental illness and eating disorders. After the panel finished, a highly successful woman in the audience spoke up, “outing” herself as bipolar.

By doing this, she gave everyone (most of whom were more junior to her in terms of career success) insight into her truth, and hope that despite their own personal challenges, they too had potential to rise. She was not on the panel and had not been prompted to share her story. She simply realized that many of the women around the room were limiting their expectations of their own potential because they were afraid that their own struggles with mental health would hold them back.

By speaking up, she freed them to rise.

In another instance, a Marchex employee opened up his world to me. He was moved while reading some of the social media posts related to that same Parlay House event, and without prompting, he told me how touched he was that we addressed this issue.

“My daughter has autism and I don’t generally talk openly about it. I realized if I don’t talk about it, it adds to the stigma and prevents me from finding other people who are dealing with the same challenges that we are as a family. I now feel driven to share more, talk more, and connect more.”  

***

Opening up about the things you’re challenged with makes other people feel less alone in their own struggles.

That is the power of small actions.

***

Here’s something you can do right now to shift others’ thinking: share a time when someone else’s authenticity or vulnerability freed you.

Share it big: post your story on social media. 

Share it small: write to a friend who you see going through similar struggles and share your experience.

Share it with me: simply send me a note.

 

***

This small action could shift their perspective and create a positive reframe on these deeply held challenges.

June 2018

 

Last month I launched a series of notes I call One Small Thing, an effort to recognize and track the impact that small actions can have on another person, creating a true cascade of meaningful change. 

Today is the Worldwide Day of Giving and it feels like the perfect moment to launch my second note on One Small Thing. While there is no wrong way to give, we often think about “giving” in monetary terms. While being financially generous is great, let’s expand our thinking to include giving of ourselves, in terms of attention, empathy, time, and thoughtfulness. Those forms of giving can often have an impact that is far more personal (and far more meaningful) than just giving money. 

Today’s note is a request that we redefine generosity together.

Your response to my first note has been generous and overwhelming, with people posting the #onesmallthing hashtag and writing me personal notes about their own experiences where someone did one small thing for them and it cascaded in a big way. 

Whether it was an email from a woman who felt truly connected as part of the Parlay House community, a young person who benefitted from honest feedback about how they can perform better, or an old employee recounting how career encouragement many years ago shaped her future career choices, it is really evident that something small can have an impact far greater than the actual event. That makes me so hopeful, because all of us are capable of taking small actions to pull someone else forward, and we can all afford to give this way.

We’ve got something real and meaningful here.

***

You, too, have a #OneSmallThing story. 

If nothing comes to mind immediately, let me frame it in this way: When was a time when someone shared something (non-monetary) that gave you faith in yourself? 

Maybe it was:

• a teacher who was the first to recognize your natural abilities;
• a boss who guided you;
• a friend who truly “saw” you; 
• a family member who observed your qualities and remarked on your uniqueness;
• or someone who was willing to share their own vulnerabilities to let you know that you weren’t alone with your feelings or experiences. 

What you can do right now:
Whomever it was, drop them a line to remind them of what they did for you, and share with them how it affected your life. 

This small action may make their day and will likely remind them how much power they have to create positive change for someone else.

Share it big: tell the world your #OneSmallThing story by sharing it on social media.

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, send your story directly to that person via email/text/phone.

Share it with me: I’m collecting these “OneSmallThing stories” to create a collection. Simply send me a note.

May 2018

 

As it’s Mother’s Day, I thought it would be the perfect time to launch a series of notes to give back to those who nurture us, our mentors. This idea is called One Small Thing.

It’s a lesson I learned from my mom who continues to nurture and mentor me. She taught me that every action I take counts and that you never know how that action can affect someone’s life.

***

Sometimes big problems in the world feel impossible for us to tackle on our own. However, just as a mentor would say one small thing that has disproportionately meaningful impact for you, I hope this series will inspire you to try small personal actions that build a bigger and bigger impact over time for someone else.

#MeToo, #TimesUp, and #BlackLivesMatter started with individuals sharing their stories. Each of their voices lifted up to create movements that surpassed hashtags.

My notes will share examples of how I’ve seen small actions move the needle, and will suggest ways that you can make them your own, regardless of your financial situation, your work responsibilities, your home situation and your existing commitments.

Here’s one example:

Parlay House is an event-based community I started in San Francisco for women to connect on a deeper level beyond your average networking event. We curate dialogues on meaningful and authentic topics and it opens us all up for authentic conversations and more meaningful connections with each other.

When we launched Parlay House in New York just six months ago, Joi Gordon, the CEO of Dress for Success, was our first speaker.

She enraptured the audience with her story of leading a nonprofit that provides women returning to the workforce with professional attire and mentorship to empower them in their search for a job.

After Joi’s talk, a woman in the audience raised her hand and said, “Hi, I’m Ivy Woolf-Turk. I read about Parlay House when I was incarcerated.”

She had the room.

Ivy continued, “I thought, ‘Wow, I’d love to go to a Parlay House event when I get out of prison.’ When I was finally released, Dress for Success gave me the support I needed to land a job. And now I’m the founder of Project Liberation, an organization that provides paradigm-shifting personal development for women across stages of criminal justice involvement. Joi, it’s amazing that you’re here tonight because Dress for Success helped me and now I’m sitting in Anne’s living room.”

***

You never know how one small thing can impact someone’s world.

Here’s where you come in.

Think about a time when someone’s small action affected you positively. How about dropping them a note sharing how that one small thing was meaningful to you?

Share it big: tell the world your #OneSmallThing story by sharing it on social media.

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, send your story directly to that person via email/text/phone.

Share it with me: simply send me a note.