Category: Uncategorized

February 2020

This month’s thoughts are dedicated to Katie. I don’t know her last name. 

Katie works at the front desk of a hotel where I was planning to stay before my TEDx Sonoma talk in January. In fact, I had already checked into the hotel and put my clothes away before I realized that the venue was almost as far away from my hotel as my actual home in San Francisco. Frantically, I called around to find a closer place to stay, threw my things back into the suitcase, and drove 45 minutes to the new hotel. 

As I unpacked again, my heart skipped a beat: I was due at rehearsal momentarily–and I had left my dress shoes at the first location.

Speaking on a stage in front of nearly 800 people is nerve-wracking, and knowing that whatever you say will be launched into the world on YouTube through the TED Network, viewable in perpetuity, cranks it up a notch. Doing it in a dress and barefoot (or God forbid, in my running shoes) was about to push me over the top on the stress-o-meter.

That’s where Katie comes in.  

*  *  * 

When I called the original hotel to see if they could locate the shoes, it was Katie who answered the call. She listened with obvious tenderness and empathy. In the next breath, she offered to turn the catastrophe into an adventure, bringing the shoes to me herself when she finished work and making it a night out with her husband. 

I learned three important lessons here. 

The first was how wonderful it felt to be seen in this generous way. I was on the receiving end of Katie’s empathy and concern. As was noted in the research conducted for my new book The Parlay Effect, I was moved by her generosity and immediately began to ask myself whether I would have acted in the same way. Before I knew it, I began to look for opportunities to do something similarly meaningful for someone else. Her action raised my game.

The second was that I felt guilty about accepting so much. I mean, this was a pair of shoes, not life and death (although the fashionista in me could argue the reverse). How could I possibly let a stranger do this for me? 

And third, by taking a challenge and turning it into an adventure, Katie lessened my burden. Instead of being overt about the favor she was offering me, she presented it in a way that made it sound fun for her as well. That made me feel better as the recipient and hopefully, made it fun for her too.

This story ends by me realizing that I hadn’t actually left my shoes behind after all. (They were hiding in my bag, attached to my outfit.) Katie didn’t need to switch up her evening, and I didn’t need to be barefoot on stage. 

And this story doesn’t end, because I still feel the glow of having met a stranger who was willing to shift her life pattern for me, and I am still looking for ways to put that out into the universe myself.  

*  *  * 

 Do you Parlay?
 
Share It Small: Find a way to turn a challenge into an adventure and share the way you flipped things upside down with someone who often sees the glass as half empty. 
 
Share It Big: As you find these “positivity hacks,” tell people about them! We know that witnesses of positivity start to replicate it themselves, so be the change you wish to see and do it out loud!
 
Share It with Me: I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love to hear how you lifted someone, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power. 

January 2020

For many of us, that question can summon up a range of feelings, from self-consciousness and embarrassment to insecurity and even paranoia. What are others seeing? Do I seem like I have my act together? Am I being too aloof or self-absorbed? Was that joke actually funny? Do these pants make my butt look big? Damn. When I feel I am being watched, I am so hard on myself! 
 
This was especially true as I got close to completing my book, which launched last week. What would people think? Is it good enough? Did I have enough to say that is meaningful? Of course, I was my worst critic yet again.
 
In order to give my confidence a boost, I decided to augment my work and my observations with the help of an esteemed social scientist, Dr. Serena Chen of UC Berkeley. She and I crafted an online research study where we reached out to almost 350 random strangers (ages 18-44 years old) to validate and provide clarity about the cascades of good, meaning and connection that I witness at Parlay House gatherings. In essence, we were trying to track what happens when small yet thoughtful actions are passed from one person to the next.   

*  *  * 

One of the results of our research particularly surprised us. We learned that being “watched” by strangers should not send you straight to self-scrutiny and panic. In fact, we found that being watched can actually empower you. 
 
Respondents to our questionnaire — people who had not necessarily instigated an act of good, nor been the recipient of an action that had lifted and empowered them — told us incredible stories of how inspired they felt when they saw others acting in unexpected and meaningful ways. Stories of how they saw one mom with limited resources pack up and share her baby’s too-small clothes with another young mom. Or how a colleague at work saw the struggle of a new employee and set out to privately mentor and coach him. Observing positive actions not only lifted the witness emotionally, but it inspired them to see that they, too, had the capacity to do something meaningful for someone else.
 
Initiating their own cascades, they mentored, coached, empathized, included and shared. They acknowledged their own vulnerability to make another person feeling shaky know they were not alone. They acknowledged someone who is rarely appreciated. Small actions that lifted someone and were likely replicated by the recipient and magnified by those who saw it happen.
 
So the next time you are second-guessing yourself, wondering what people who “see you” will think about you, have confidence. The times when you take a few minutes to lift a colleague, a neighbor, a stranger or a friend with a kind word or action, someone is watching.  And benefitting. And feeling empowered to believe that they, too, have the ability to create connections that lift them as individuals and as a community.
 
The world often seems daunting, and our ability as individuals to address the troubles that plague us can feel so huge that we don’t know where to start. But the “power of the witness” should give us all hope. Small actions that you take can create ripple effects that are not only pay-it-forward linear but multiplied exponentially by those who witness you and are inspired to become givers themselves.  

*  *  * 

Do you Parlay?
 
Share It Small: Start your own cascades that lift those around you and inspire witnesses to do the same. 
 
Share It Big: Amplify the positive actions of those around you by telling others what you have witnessed and how it inspired you. By being vocal, you may well inspire more “Givers,”  ”Receivers” and “Witnesses” to keep the momentum going.
 
Share It with Me: I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power. 

December 2019

Last month, my godmother Rachael responded to my One Small Thing email with the insight that she appreciated receiving my notes because they were like paper children: conceived, nurtured, and sent out into the world. I loved this visual analogy because both “birthing” a child and writing an insightful note require me to be willing to reach down deep inside to think and to feel before I launch something into the world. Being a parent/mentor and writing One Small Thing forces me to see myself, and then see you as you respond to me.

When I get responses from you, it’s a most precious gift. The gift of attention.

In this season of giving, as well as all year round, there are very few gifts that I treasure as much. It’s amazing how far the gift of attention — the gift of truly “seeing” someone and really “being seen” — can go.

*  *  *

Jordan Manfredi, a spunky young woman who reached out to me blindly and offered to help me launch Parlay House in NYC, told me about a time when we were in the midst of hosting one of our New York events when I saw her across the room, nodded and smiled. It was a secret language that said, “I see you and I value what we are doing together.” That acknowledgment, according to her, carried her for months.

Vicky Tsai, the powerful founder of the Tatcha beauty brand, told me a story that I feature in my new book, The Parlay Effect, about how an encounter with a taxi driver in Kyoto taught her that every interaction is a gift.  The driver’s attentive listening to the journey she was on, and the unexpected personal gift he delivered to her of his own photography, ended up setting the stage for the culture of her company.

Tamsin Smith, an artist, poet, and a dear friend, observed that this process of seeing and being seen is the essence of what we do at Parlay House.  “So many little conversations from Parlay House events live on. One that comes to mind was a casual hello from a woman I hadn’t met during the event when I was on my way out the door. She told me she didn’t know anyone when she arrived but had made new friends. I asked her what brought her to the gathering in the first place, and she said, “The power of yes.” Wow. Yes.”

These observations – about cascades of seeing, including, and saying “yes,” were what led me to reach out to Dr. Serena Chen at the University of California, Berkeley, and do the research presented in my book. I wanted to know how this cascade of “seeing others” unfolded into the world. One of the many things we learned in our research together was that the power of “seeing” someone was a gift that everyone, regardless of age, experience, social status, or wealth, had the power to give, and that it was a gift that cascaded outwards — not linearly but exponentially, from the giver to the receiver and then to the next recipient. It’s a new model of giving that lets go of monetary value and the need for “transaction,” and replaces it with our individual ability to pass something of great meaning on to someone else. Best of all was learning that these cascades are not only continued by the recipient but replicated by those who witness the process.

So this season, as we face the holiday tension and the question of “Is this gift enough?,” my One Small Thing would be to reframe it with the affirmation that “I am enough” — and then know that “seeing” someone else is one of the greatest gifts you can give. You are enough because you have the ability to give the gifts of interaction, of inclusion, and of seeing.

*  *  *

We hope you will share these gifts, which are a way of putting in motion what I call The Parlay Effect. In fact, I’m going to call this communications series The Parlay Effect from now on.

If this rings true for you,

Share it Small:

See someone in a way that lets them know they are seen. It may be a wink and a nod across the holiday table. Or taking a walk with someone who recoils at large family events but might feel lonely doing nothing. Or an easy “give” is to pack up some of your holiday leftovers for a few folks around you who might be hungry – not only for food but for attention. Hungry to be truly seen and cared about.

Share it Big:

Be open about your efforts to see others. Our research shows that people who witness these acts of empathy and acknowledgment tend to replicate it themselves. It might actually be a better-than-usual use for social media – sharing positive actions that cascade outward in The Parlay Effect.

Share it with me:

Reach out to me at anne@parlayhouse.com to tell me your own stories of seeing and being seen. Your experiences and examples become the fuel for others. And that’s what keeps the fire burning.

November 2019

I Know What You Do, But Who Are You?

When you walk into a room full of strangers, how do you introduce yourself? For many years, my lead sentence was that I was “the CEO” or “the Mom.” I hid behind the cape of a title, a role, or a function because I didn’t feel I would be admired or accepted without those trappings. I wasn’t good enough or interesting enough as-is.

I was hoping to be seen as Superwoman. Able to leap buildings in a single bound or something like that.

But when I lost my CEO job during the recession and my children grew into independent adults, everyone could see that behind the costume, behind the cape, there was no Superwoman. There was just me.

I had to find ways to define myself that felt more closely aligned with my human values and my human-sized strengths.

The formula that works for me is STRENGTHS X VALUES = PERSONAL SUPERPOWER.

I found that aligning my natural abilities with the things I cared about created space for me to find a diverse range of amazing women with whom I could truly connect and be my human self. That space is called Parlay House, and we meet on a recurring basis in cities across the globe to talk about the very human truths we share. We’ve found that as we’ve grown, with one woman taking time to bring another into our circle, we touched off an inclusive cascade that lets all of us define and frame ourselves in more meaningful and relevant ways.

*  *  *

I’m Not Alone.

Over the course of the last few years, Parlay House members have told me very similar stories about finding new ways to reframe and value themselves.

Jamie Higgins told me that, “In 2016, I left my lucrative 20-year career on Wall Street to become a stay-at-home mom. For the first time in my life I didn’t have an answer to the “So, what do you do?” Well, at least not an answer I was proud of. To keep depression and regret at bay, I threw myself into volunteering at my children’s schools, but I still felt lost, not feeling understood in that community. Then I realized that if I wanted to materially change my life, I needed to do different things. Enter Parlay House. I was so nervous driving into NYC that night. Nervous that I had no business as a “boring stay at home mom” to be with these dynamic women. I was wrong. I was welcomed and supported and I even made a great friend. I continued to get out of my comfort zone and try different things. I started taking writing classes to ignite an old passion. Then I wrote and I wrote some more, and now I’m almost finished with my first novel. I stopped fighting the fear of being lost and started enjoying the circuitous routes and dead ends. That’s when the magic happens. Now, I’m happy to say I’ve arrived at my next destination.”

Ivy Wolf-Turk wrote, “At a time when I was struggling to re-enter the world after serving time in Federal Prison, feeling isolated, with all options of my old life foreclosed, the thought of joining a community of loving, open, kind, and welcoming women gave me hope. I had heard about Anne’s personal struggle and the beginning of Parlay House in an article I read while incarcerated. It gave me a sense that there were women who would be interested in “who” I am, rather than what I “did”! It changed my perspective on what might be possible, and after experiencing Parlay House I was invigorated to pursue my passions and dare to dream again. I met many remarkable women who embraced me and supported me in ways I could have never imagined!”

Ivy went on to found Project Liberation, a non-profit organization that helps women re-enter society after prison.

*  *  *

You Are Enough

My One Small Thing for November is that when the culture says to spread myself as thinly as possible over the next six weeks, instead of trying to be Superwoman, I’m going to find a few small things that feel like part of my core truth. Like welcoming strangers into my home and having fewer, more connected conversations.

Where is the intersection between your strengths and your values?

SHARE IT SMALL: Might you be brave enough to take off your mantle of being Superwoman with one person you trust, as a way to try out being fine as your human self?

SHARE IT BIG: If you are feeling extra gutsy, get some clarity around this season and hone in on what you are best at doing. And then ask others around you for a hand. It will likely turn out that doing things together provides you relief from trying to be everything to everyone and create more opportunities to truly get to know those around you.

SHARE IT WITH ME: I’m gathering stories of Parlay Effects– outward cascades of good, including our continued self-awareness, self-respect and self-love. If you’ve found a way to reframe your quest to be a superhero into finding a few superpowers, send me an email so that I can witness and learn from this all-important cascade. It’s what I call The Parlay Effect.

October 2019

It’s the season of vampires, ghosts, and coffins planted in front yards. It’s the season to be “scared” in a fun way.

But beyond the fantasy and the levity of this holiday, I’m using this month’s One Small Thing to talk about what really scares me and keeps me from being my best self. I’m not terrified of spiders. I’m terrified of failure. And imperfection. And the shame that comes from both.

Historically, I’ve coped with these fears by “doing.” Working harder. Exercising more. Taking on “one more thing.” Keeping my demons out by giving them no time or attention.

I cope that way because, for me, the opposite of doing more isn’t doing less. The opposite of doing is feeling. Feeling that I’m not enough. Worrying that I may have let someone down. Telling myself that I’m not achieving.

I’m “doing” because I’m hiding from my scary self.

My younger daughter, Ciara, who has her graduate degree in psychology, has instinctively understood since she was a young girl the need to discuss failures. If she had a bad day at school, she would tell me about it. Dozens of times over the years, she has said to me, “Mom, I don’t need you to help me fix it. I just need you to tell me you understand how bad I feel and how hard the situation is. I want empathy, not a solution.”

Out of the mouths of babes.

* * *

I look back on my years as a single mother and realize how rarely I came home from work and told my daughters I was struggling. I never shared my mistakes and failures, never admitted when I felt like an outsider or didn’t know what to do. I felt that if I told them I was imperfect, or that I was having difficulties, they might question my ability as a mother or have less respect for me. As a single mom, I feared my failures would worry them. I also believed that since I was the only active parent, the high bar I set for them would be the one model they had to set standards for themselves. So, I put on a brave face, rarely talked about the struggles in my day (or my life) and boxed up my self-doubt.

In retrospect, this was a huge mistake. I now see, years later, that I learned more in the times I failed or fell short of the mark than in the times I hit 100%. And I’ve learned more about myself, and have been able to be more empathetic with others, when I have allowed myself to feel: to process the fears, to self-soothe, and most of all, to nurture and forgive my own humanity, just as I would have for my daughter.

Take Small Steps.

Believe me, I haven’t totally mastered this thing yet. When I started to write my new book, The Parlay Effect, it was rejected by every major publishing house and my big-time agent and I parted ways. I was devastated by that failure, and it rekindled my self-doubt. While I did tell a couple of people about my feelings, I didn’t share it broadly because I was so embarrassed.

My One Small Thing for the month of October is to not be fearless but to try to fear less. Not to bottle things up, but to share and allow those I trust to help hold me up. Because it’s too scary to go it alone, and we are stronger when we are connected.

* * *

If some of this self-shaming keeps you up at night too, here are a few small ways to get you back to your safe-place:

Let it Out!

SHARE IT SMALL: With a trusted friend, test sharing a fear or a failure. Tell them that you didn’t do something well or made a mistake, and see what they do to hold your heart or give you a boost. Then be as gentle with yourself as they were with you.

SHARE IT BIG: I’ve seen that when I share my vulnerabilities, it opens the door for others to do the same. Modeling for others and for myself seems to create a safe space for us all to be human. So at your dinner table, or on social media, or at work — those places where we often tell only the perfect stories — take a chance at putting something that scares you out there. You will likely be creating a meaningful cascade for others.

SHARE IT WITH ME: I’m gathering stories of Parlay Effects — outward cascades of good — including how forgiving our own imperfections helps make us and others feel better. Send me an email so that I can learn from and witness this all-important ripple effect.

It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

September 2019

For many of us, September is a time of transition. We come back from summer vacation or summer “slow downs” in anticipation of hitting the ground running. It might be heading back to work. It might be that the kids are back in school. But it’s definitely a change. Sometimes those changes are clear, but oftentimes, transitions are a bit fuzzy. It certainly helps me during these transitions to take a conscious pause. A breath.

Transitions are a time to remind ourselves of “the power of the in-between.”

What do I mean by that??

Nearly 50 years after coming into this world, I began my life for a second time. I had been CEO at several different advertising agencies in New York City and was a single mother of two daughters. I considered myself an energetic, healthy and vibrant woman with a bright future. Then, in one year, I lost almost every piece of myself. During the 2010 recession, I was diagnosed with recurring cancer and was ignominiously replaced in my job because of it. To top it off, my youngest daughter left for college, so that I was on my own again. It was a trifecta of setbacks. I lost all context, grounding, and perspective.

* * *

This trifecta, and the deep vulnerability I felt during that time of transition, made me start experiencing my relationships in a different way. I started to respond more to other people’s vulnerabilities too. I started to hear other women talk about feeling embarrassed about being in-between jobs or express hypercriticism about their less-than-perfect bodies, or voice worry over never finding a satisfying personal relationship. Listening to people who were facing some of the issues I was struggling with, and having them say it out loud, made me feel less alone. It also set me out on a quest to reground myself. It was through that experience of breathing and looking inward during a transition that I found the inspiration to start Parlay House.

I was finally able to move forward because I allowed myself:

• Space for non-clarity
• Time to experiment rather than just rush into the next thing
• Permission to express my vulnerability, which encouraged others to be vulnerable and sparked real conversations and connection

I saw that making room for the in-between in your own life and for other women creates a cascade of support that gives us room to grow. In my Parlay House salons, I observed that one woman finds herself in a position to help another through kindness, empathy, generosity or encouragement, and the woman who received that help then replicates it, passing it on to another woman. That’s what I call “the Parlay Effect.”

* * *

And now I’m ready to step into my next “space in between”, and probably my most vulnerable expression to date. I’ve decided to share my story in my new book, The Parlay Effect: How Female Connection Can Change the World. The book is based on the idea that small actions can create a cascade of positive experiences and change. For me, that change began with a pause.

With or without the book, sharing your story about your transition will undoubtedly have meaning for someone else. To get that Parlay Effect started:

Share your story by pausing: The next time you go to a social event, rather than presenting yourself in can-do mode, take a deep breath and express vulnerability as a way to connect with someone. Tell them how you are feeling, what you are worried about or that you are at a crossroads.

Share it big: Post a photo of you in your “space in between” with the sentence: I’m not sure about where I’m headed, and I’m a bit scared about it. Or make up your own version.
#theparlayeffect

Share it small: The next time you have a conversation with your best friend, put aside your need to be “on”, and just let the conversation flow in the space in between. Who knows where the two of you will take it by letting go.

Share it with me: Send me your story of a pause, a breath, or a conversation made richer with truth and vulnerability. I’ll add it to my growing collection of proof that we are so much stronger when we are connected.

August 2019

 

That’s the question I ask the Parlay House community every summer.

Parlay House is an organization I founded where women meet to connect authentically and talk about things that we don’t have space to talk about in other parts of our lives.

In our August gathering, “What Book Are You?”, everyone brings one or a few book(s) that define an aspect of their life. After an evening of getting to know people outside of our usual circles, we take home a book brought by someone whose story resonates with us. And we continue the connection with her once we’ve finished reading.

The books tied to their (original) owners may surprise you. An elated new mother might bring a tale of sorrow, citing how it resonated with her during a pivotal coming-of-age experience she had at 15. A fierce leader could share how she used the first Harry Potter novel as an opportunity to dream. Others describe stories that parallel where they currently are in their lives, or where they wish they could be.

More than anything, it teaches each of us that you can’t judge a book by its cover.

***

The beauty of using books to describe ourselves is it provides a safe opening to tell our authentic truths, truly connecting with one another. It begins narratives that move more quickly past of what we do and into who we are: survivors, explorers, leaders, lovers, artists, and instigators.

***

This year, I’m bringing four books so that no one leaves without something provocative, insightful, and special. That gets to my truth in a different way — I’m the perpetual nourisher.

Three of my books, Where the Crawdads Sing, Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, and Educated are thematically similar. They share female lead characters who, despite challenging circumstances, find solid footing and save themselves. I identify so much with each of them.

The fourth book, Circe, is a novel about the rebel Greek goddess Circe. It’s not my usual genre of fiction that features poignant stories and characters I can relate to. It’s a “historical fantasy” based on Greek mythology. Reading it pushed me out of my comfort zone. But that’s my narrative too — constantly on a quest to learn, explore, and grow.

So tell me: what book tells your story? The question is worth asking and the story is worth sharing.

Some prompts to get you thinking:

• Was there a book that gave you a strong emotional response? Maybe it made you cry, laugh hysterically, or simply not be able to get it out of your head.
• Is there a character you can remember reading about whose journey echoed your own?
• When were you last reading something you couldn’t put down? What about the story intrigued you?

Here’s how to create One Small Thing that could have a massive impact on someone else:

• Ask “What book are you?” as a conversation starter with a stranger and see where the conversation goes.
• Opt into our book exchange (or just share your story) by responding to this email with the book that defines one aspect of you or your story.
•  Share your book on social media with #onesmallthing and describe how the book reflects you or your story.

It doesn’t matter how you start. Just share your story.

 

July 2019

 

ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE!

If I was to tell you it’s National Pandemonium Day, what would your reaction be? Is it a good thing — like the manic mayhem of a music festival — or a scary time of chaos where everything feels out of control?

Of course, there is no wrong answer. Your ability to deal with (and even appreciate) bedlam is influenced by who you are and how you feel at the moment.

It’s influenced by your personality, your perspective, your level of stress, and your current state of confidence.

Luckily, even if the thought of a day filled with chaos pushes you near the brink, you can take a breath.

It will not always feel like you, “Just. Cannot. Handle. One. More. Thing.”

***

Reign it in!

While you may feel pandemonium today, looking at all of the different components of your life that are meaningful to you will help you realize that other aspects of your life are actually more solid than it seems.

It’s the chaos that’s getting your attention.

Here’s how I regain perspective: I measure my happiness, fulfillment, and relevance based on some key personal measures: family, health, community, work, and spirituality.

I call it having Pandemonium Perspective.

At any moment in time, some of those measures may be killin’ it, and others may be killing me.

I may be getting along really well with my sisters but have no time to volunteer at the Women’s March. Or I may be completely unable to motivate myself to go to spin class, but I’m applauded for exceeding the milestones for Parlay House’s growth.

Whatever your current scenario is, take solace in knowing that it will certainly change. You’ll find time to go to parents’ weekend and nail the new business pitch. You’ll mentor someone in need or use an open window of time to go for a hike.

You’ll do all of those things. JUST NOT ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Perspective helps restore the fear that life is out of control. Not just on Pandemonium Day, but on all days. Because there will rarely be a day when everything is chaotic, nor will there be many days when every interaction is a 10 out of 10.

In the course of life, we can take moments to look back and see the peaks, know that we rebounded from the valleys, and have the perspective that nothing stayed in a state of flux forever.’

***

Try using One Small Thing today, Pandemonium Day, to gain perspective for yourself or someone else who is drowning in chaos.

• Use social media, send a personal email, or have an intimate conversation to share the truth of your chaos…as well as how that makes you stronger. Instead of limiting conversations to the shiny, happy moments of life, let’s be real. Talking about your truthful chaos lets others feel less alone in theirs.
• Or…don’t use social media. Take the time you would spend scrolling and refocus on the elements of your life that may be starving for a little love and attention. The shift in balance might give you a much-needed break.

Please share with me how your One Small Thing controlled the pandemonium — if you turned it up to share, or turned it off to catch a breath.

I’m compiling feedback from these One Small Thing notes and will add your perspective as part of a larger initiative.

And just think: one day you may look back on that rollercoaster of pandemonium as a fun time.

June 2019

 

You may not know it, but today is Global Garbage Man Day.

Maybe we should call it “Global Garbage Collection Day” instead? It’s a thankless and necessary job (regardless of gender) and I salute those who pick up the physical trash that endangers our planet.

But it’s not only that waste that threatens us: we have a lot of work to do in addressing our mental garbage too.

How do we take out our psychological trash?

***

Trash is the stuff that gets into our heads and prevents us from believing in ourselves. It stops us from moving forward because it reeks of “not good enough”, smells embarrassing, and nauseates with fear.

For me, I’ve got to dispose of:

• Feeling like an outsider in my extended social circle
• Focusing on the flaws of my aging body
• Discounting my worth because I’m no longer at the helm of a company

So today, in appreciation of all of those garbage collectors in this world, I’m throwing out some of my own juicy trash and replacing it with kudos, kindness, and self-love.

In fact, I’m writing down a list of three things that I like about myself or I know I am good at. I’m putting a copy of that list in my wallet, taping it to my mirror, and making it the screensaver on my computer. When I next have an undermining thought, I’ll consciously retaliate with one of the items on my list.

Now you can do the same.

Take out your trash by making your own list. When shared, your list can to quell the stink of self-doubt and inspire others to rethink their negative self-talk, reminding them of their value.

To amplify your actions:

Share it with me: without revealing names, I’m compiling a list on how to fight negative self-talk. Sharing your list could help someone do the same!

Share it big: post a photo of your emotional trash bin with the sentence: I’m throwing out my emotional trash starting with ________. #onesmallthing

Share it small: share your list with a trusted friend or confidant who can keep you accountable.

May 2019

 

For many people, myself included, the reminder of our own abilities is enough to get us to take a step in a new direction. When I know that someone believes in me, it feels like a vote of confidence. And who doesn’t need that?

On this Mother’s Day weekend, I’m having a flashback (not a hot flash although maybe that too) to my early and formative years where a few nurturing people took the time to help me build self esteem and self worth by ENCOURAGING me.

***

One of the igniters of my potential was my mom – bringing me into this world and helping encourage me until I developed the confidence to believe in myself. But encouragement came from other sources as well – my dad, teachers, sisters, and even strangers.

Encouragement is easy. No money is involved, limited time is required, and you don’t need to be an expert on the topic.

All you need is to see the potential in someone and tell them what you see:

“I believe in you.”
“Give it a try.”
“You did something easier than that last week.”

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When I was thinking about writing a book, I mentioned it to a new friend, Katie Hafner, a highly acclaimed writer and journalist.

Instead of dismissing me as an amateur (which I am) she gave me encouragement to try. Fast forward: my book is now with an editor and nearing completion. It’s something I’d never done before and if it wasn’t for a few words of encouragement from Katie, I wouldn’t be where I am.

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What was something you did that you never thought you would be able to do? Who encouraged you to get started?

Here’s what you can do to pass that feeling on, encouraging someone else to take a step that may scare them.

• Tell them you believe in them. Sometimes all we need is one person to tell us we can do something. Maybe you have a friend who wants to move or a colleague with plans to start their own business. Sharing why you think they can do that thing could push them to actually go for it.

• Show them how this step can enhance their life. Take a minute to list out three ways taking a risk could make them feel more confident or open up a new way to see themselves. Then give that list to them.

• Be vulnerable and share a time when you took a chance and it turned out for the better (or worse). Focus on the lessons you learned that you wouldn’t have, had you not taken this step. When we open up about times we took risks, we share how we grew the spark to believe in ourselves. And that inspires others to do the same.

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Take it from Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

To amplify your actions:

Share it with me: I hope you share how the encouragement of others gave you the confidence to take a new step by replying to this email.

Share it small: if you want more of an intimate connection, connect directly with the friend, family member, or colleague who needs a little encouraging push in the right direction.

Share it big: tell the world on social media how the encouragement of others changed your perspective on listening with #OneSmallThing.