Author: Sugi Bernard

October 2021

I’ve been making crazy art projects lately, collecting found objects from the seashore and winding, gluing, hammering them together to create forms and creatures. Most of the found objects are from nature – fragments of shell, softly shaped driftwood orbs or coins of seaglass that started out as man-made but turned into sea-smooth treasures.

The process of collecting is as satisfying as is the making, but curiously, I’ve found that when my conceptual “creature” feels bird-like, the shells I see on the beach are all shaped like feathers. If the shape of my base is reptilian, limpets seem to be everywhere I walk. And if I’m feeling like crafting a tiny, detailed gem, pink Pupu O Ni’ihau shells that are the size of the head of a pin somehow flash at me through the grains of sand. Of course, all of those objects are on the beach at the same time, but what I see is influenced by what I’m looking for.

I now know that scientists have a name for this strange hyper-focus: they call it the “pop-out effect.”

It’s a phenomenon where a unique visual “target” can rapidly be detected, even though it sits within a whole bunch of distracting and different objects. I’m looking for “feathers” so I see feathers; looking for “gems” so I see gems.

Which leads me to think about what I look for and what I actually see as I go through life.

* * *

I’m not proud of it, but if I’m feeling insecure, I notice the most beautiful woman in the room as a point of comparison.

If I’m feeling distraught about the state of the world, the validation of my dismay pops out in the form of the headlines, statistics and Youtube footage that catches my eye.

When joyful, the saturated color of new-fallen leaves or the glow of the moon through passing clouds feels like a sign from a higher being; bigger and more encompassing than they are in the context of the world.

So I guess my question is whether there is a way to harness this pop-out effect for good.

* * *

My father, known to our family as Pop Pop, died this week after an extended illness and 25 years of physical suffering. He was one of the most positive people I’ve ever known, and I think the pop-out effect defined the way he lived his life.

Renowned for his exaggerated explicatives about glorious things that stood out to him: the most beautiful work of art or the most captivating new friend, the most special community park or the softest sweater he’d ever worn; the things he loved stood out and took on disproportionate weight for him. They motivated him to seek more, create more, love more and acquire more. Objects, people and experiences carried him through the pain, the worry and the frustration.

If the glory of the “high” wasn’t carrying him along, the issues and systems that needed change popped out to him instead. He was equally passionate and active in his engagement with the issues that validated or violated his principles. He marched against inequity, fought discrimination and ranted about leaders who might be pulling us into hate-filled worlds.

Even in the midst of the worst of the worst of times – the pandemic which threatened his already precarious health, the “stay in place” that kept him from his precious parks and prevented him from turning strangers into friends, he saw, he loved and he dreamed.

For him, positivity and potential always popped out.

We all create our realities, seeing the things that we want to see. As long as we take the time to check in with ourselves to make sure that what we see and seek is revisited, re-evaluated and re-aligned so that it isn’t used to validate our preconceived notions and to prove ourselves right, the pop-out effect can be a force for good.

What a legacy he left behind.

To our family, he was known as Pop Pop. I think I’ll call this phenomenon of seeing the good, the beautiful and the cherished pop out beyond the world’s weight, the “Pop Pop effect”.

He would have loved that.

* * *

I shared a lot today and I usually ask that if you feel some truth in what I write, that you share it with others in intimate and broad ways. This month, I just ask that you hold the people you love deeply in your heart and tell them they are there.

September 2021

Over the past 18 months, a number of my friends have come to realize that jobs, social circles, activities, residences and other life-defining variables hold far more wiggle room than they had once thought.

They’re now shuffling their cards to get more of what they’ve been missing and to get rid of some of the baggage that was holding them back.

Their revelations? A career that sucks the life out of you might not be worth the sacrifice anymore. The city you’ve been living in might have changed… or you have. The activities you do for fun seem less fun these days.

It’s possible to get a huge refresh by changing just one thing. It can be a big thing – like shifting where you live or what you do – or a smaller adjustment like switching up whom you spend your time with or learning something new.

For me, it was the opposite. The last eighteen months have been a not-so-gentle wake-up call that the nomadic life I’ve been living might have met my aspirations, but the reality of being constantly on the move has pushed me beyond my comfort zone to a place of instability. I’ve been too far beyond the familiar, too far away from routine, and most importantly, too far from many of the people I connect with most.

My “wake up moment” opened my eyes to the fact that I need to dial back to more of the familiar routines that ground me. To be crass, it’s reassuring to know where the bathroom is in the middle of the night.

Dialing back and “saying no” is giving me a greater sense of control. My friends playing new hands say they are taking control too: of where they live, what they know how to do and what they see as their new life balance.

* * *

How do you shuffle your own deck?

Sometimes it’s clear. You’ve always wanted to (fill in the blank) and now you can. Or luck came your way with an opportunity, and for the first time you took the risk and jumped because there was less to lose.

But that’s not always the way it works. In fact, it’s really hard to make a move if you’ve been following the same strategy for so long.

Most of us who are tired of what we’ve been doing don’t have clarity about what we want to do next.

That’s especially true for high performers who get so used to being good at that thing they’ve always done that they fear any next step will take them backwards — out of that leadership role, away from the limelight and maybe even back into the minor leagues. The fear of taking steps backwards or being “not good” at something is daunting when we define ourselves by what we do.

It’s also true for those of us who are comforted by familiarity — in a city, a routine or a circle of friends. Being too far from that comfort zone (like I’ve been) can be disorienting or worse.

For those who are living paycheck-to-paycheck, shifting to something big might be impossible. But shifting to something better might be a start. Better hours. Better location. With shortages in staff, there may even be an opportunity to negotiate a raise.

* * *

Are you bored, bummed or burned out?

No matter how badly you want to find your next chapter, letting go of a situation where everything is “comfortable” is hard.

So how about starting with one small move.

Instead of defining yourself by what you “do”, add some additional measures, like what you are naturally good at. Instead of defining yourself by where you live, think about what you value as well as what you are missing in your current environment. Rather than sticking to your usual genre, pay attention to articles, entertainment or other people whose stories interest you but are not your automatic choice.

Then play a couple of hands to get a bit deeper into the areas that might add breadth and depth to your game.

My 85-year-old mom is taking weekly drawing and painting classes.
My friend Crystal rented an apartment in a new city to see if she liked it.
Parlay House member Jenna left her big city life to get her yoga certification.
By trying these new things, they’re building new pathways. Neuropathways, behavioral pathways and emotional pathways.

It turns out that my mom’s a damned good artist and Jenna is an amazing yoga teacher. Crystal learned that life in the new city wasn’t for her and she moved back home, which is as important a realization as finding her “yes.”

For each of them, there are additional experiences and skills that are more familiar as they reshuffle their decks. And the next move they make will be slightly easier for having tried the last variation.

Whether you feel like you’ve hit a dead end, or are staring at the intersection of your old path and have too many new directions to choose from, shuffle your deck and play a few small cards to see what you learn.

It’ll certainly help make you a bit more capable in unexpected areas and could even lead to some more major plays that take you into a whole new game.

* * *

Feeling stuck or lost? It’s easier to make a move when you have some support!

Share it Small: Want to dip your toe into something new? Ask a friend to do it with you? It’ll give you something to talk about, laugh about, or to support each other when it leads to bigger jumps and opportunities.

Share it Big: If you’re thinking of a bigger move, tell people about it. Putting your experiments out there will help other people in your life know what you’re looking for! In fact, sharing your aspirations and interests can often unlock job leads, invitations or even new groups of friends. You may not go in as the expert, but you won’t be lonely as you build your comfort in a new direction.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.

August 2021

 

How many times did someone ask you how you are today? You probably responded with something like, “Fine, thanks,” “I’m good,” or “OK, and you?”

But were you really fine?

I’ve gotta tell you that I’m not always fine these days. In fact, I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I’m OK… and maybe even happy! Then in the next, I’m so anxious I feel like I’m about to pass out.

Here’s what I mean:

Last week, in a medieval castle on a small island in the Peloponnese, our daughter Ciara’s long-time boyfriend proposed to her. I got to be one of the first to hug them, toast to their future, and begin to plan a wedding with my daughter.

I’m bursting with joy.

Three days later, two different women whom I care about deeply, told me they were facing health challenges so serious that it could impact the rest of their lives.

I’m so worried and I feel completely helpless.

Today, I’m with my wonderful husband, enjoying a hot and sunny vacation in a place we love.

I’m sweaty, but I’m really happy.

Fully vaccinated, I was finally feeling hopeful coming out of this pandemic. But the Delta variant has re-introduced uncertainty and is making me nervous again.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. That was all just this week.

* * *

I’m guessing you’re feeling similar swings of highs and lows. Swings seem to be the norm these days.

It’s so hard to be filled with hope and fear, freedom and constraint, celebration and mourning all at once.

What do you do when your world feels like a roller coaster?

Sometimes you just need to “be in it” and live all of the feelings so that they don’t build up or get pushed down so far that they burst through in unexpected moments. Acknowledging the struggle and taking time to celebrate the joys helps me.

But it’s really hard to process and celebrate alone.

So, I’m being open and vulnerable, sharing my truth with a few trusted friends.

Putting “all my shit out there” has allowed my inner circle to comfort me and celebrate with me.

The support I’ve received has been amazing.

My friend Vicky said, “A friend of mine is a psychotherapist. She lost her husband recently to cancer. It was sudden, heart-wrenching and put a strain on her family before and after the loss. Between it all though, there were marriages, grandchildren – joy and agony all mixed into one.”

I asked her how she was coping with it all, and she said, “This period of time is so challenging, but it’s rich. These experiences are rich. I’ve often thought of that statement when I’m feeling the weight and the whirlwind of it all. The extreme highs and lows of this human experience is the real stuff of life. The joys and the agonies are universal and connect us. Please know that I’m here for you for all the highs and lows.”

In these two tiny, texted paragraphs, Vicky let me know that I’m not alone in my struggles with the complexity of our times. What’s more, by naming the struggle a “rich” one, she gave me words and helped me gain perspective that made these swings make more sense.

I also appreciated her reassurance that I could be my true self with her, and she would be there for me no matter what. I don’t usually feel I have “permission” to share the lows, and I worry I’ll be a burden if I do. She helped me get past that.

When it comes to our own low moments, keeping them to ourselves can push us lower.

So… whatever swing you’re on today, I hope you’ll give yourself permission to share it with someone who holds your heart gently. Whether you are celebrating together, mourning together, or living through a mixture of all sorts of feelings, you won’t be alone in experiencing the richness of your one precious life.

Another dear friend pointed out to me that trees grow up and down at the same time. Now I know that people do too.

* * *

Do you feel the fluctuations of the world on a daily basis? It turns out you’re not alone. Sharing your ups and downs will likely bring you points of connection with others going through their own roller coaster.

There are all sorts of ways to share your experience:

Share it Small: Pick someone you trust, and tell them what you are experiencing. Chances are, they’ll let you know their story too, and you’ll both feel less alone.

Share it Big: Tova Mirvis, last week’s Parlay House speaker, decided to share her truths about the complexity of separating from her community directly with the New York Times. She was flabbergasted by the thousands of people who related and responded to what she thought was only her journey. You may not need to be as bold as sharing your truths with the world, but writing them down and sharing them more broadly will not only be a release for you, you’ll make others feel less alone, too.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it here! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.

July 2021

 

Saying these words often feels big and scary – uttering them implies so much.

Affection. Commitment. Acceptance. Vulnerability.

Occasionally, an “I love you” comes pouring out without thought — sometimes even during a business setting, when one might think it inappropriate. Oops.

I, personally, try to tell the people I’m close to that I love them as often as possible. When I say it, I genuinely mean it. I use the phrase to say:

• I choose you
• I hold you close to my heart
• I feel a true connection with you
• I value you
• You are especially important to me

But it’s not the phrase “I Love You” that recently took my breath away.

There’s another phrase that’s far less common but equally meaningful. But before I tell you what it is, let me give you some context.

My dad is battling some new health issues. He’s 84 and has already been through a lot. Over the past 25 years, there have been a number of times that each member of our family thought we were saying goodbye to him for the last time. The I Love You’s, like the tears, flowed like water.

With the latest bout of swiftly dividing cancer cells and an unknown course of his disease, I flew up to Seattle last week to see him and spend the day with him and my mom. Ciara came with me.

The four of us spent the day touring the city where I grew up. We reminisced about the places he had worked and visited his most recent environmental projects, which reclaimed abandoned street-ends and turned them into community nature preserves. He loved the idea that the people in the neighborhood who would not have access to the wonders of the waterfront could marvel at seeing beavers thrive in an urban setting, and native plants could grow where trash had covered the public land. He raved about the volunteers who rallied around him to accelerate each area’s transformation and donated money so that he could plant more trees.

It was one of those days when we experienced life together with the underlying (yet unspoken) truth that this might be one of the last times we could revitalize these memories before I have to carry mine by myself. That truth, of course, is especially hard to accept.

As our day came to a close and I picked up my bag to leave, he hugged me and repeated how wonderful it was to spend time together. And of course, he told me that he loved me.

But then he said something else.

* * *

He said, “I’m so very proud of the person you are.”

I lost my shit. It wasn’t the “I Love You” that hit me deeply and profoundly. I knew he loved me, and I could believe it. What struck me was how wonderful it felt, as a fully grown, independent, 59-year-old woman, to have my father say he was proud of me.

I know. This probably says more about me than it does about him. But for whatever reason, it felt like I was being given approval and validation on a really meaningful level.

Should I need approval from my parents at this stage of my life?

It’s entirely reasonable to argue that my own self-approval should be what matters. But I’ll admit that I’m one of those forever-achieving people who somehow feels I’ve never really done (or been) enough. That’s why I always keep stretching, taking on new challenges, and pushing myself higher, better, faster.

For me, there’s something incredibly validating about having a person whose judgment I respect, whose approval feels meaningful, and whom I love with all my heart say, “I see you and I think you are good.”

This leads me to assert that “I’m Proud of You” is as meaningful as “I Love You.”

I’m proud of you is another way of saying, “You are enough.” It might even mean, “You are even more than enough.”

We’re never too old to be seen, and to be told that we are good, what we’re doing is good, or even what we tried (and failed to do) is worth being proud of. For me, it meant everything.

So taking the cue from my dad, I will try to practice noticing the people around me and passing on validation to them. When I feel proud of them in whatever way, I’m going to tell them that I see them and feel joy for them. It’s not the “I” that gets the emphasis, like in the phrase, “I love you.” It’s the “you” that is dialed up in “I’m proud of YOU.”

Somebody might receive it with the weight and meaning that my dad’s words had for me. How wonderful to make others feel so good.

* * *

How can you make a difference with just a few words?

Share it Small: Tell someone you are proud of them! This isn’t a nod to the all-too-frequent, “good job for using the potty” that we pour onto our children. This is an adult-to-adult boost that’s said with thoughtful delivery: I see you. I respect you. I feel joy for you.

Share it Big: Be public about expressing what you see and admire in others. You’ll never know who will be watching you and will pass that moment of validation into someone in their own lives.

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you so please tell me about it! I’m collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.